Depression: Battery Low
A little less than a month ago, I went to another city with my family to visit some relatives. We visit them at least twice a year, and I love that city. Majority of the people I know find that city boring because there isn’t much to do. I, on the other hand, absolutely adore it for that very fact. There is a lot to do, too, if you know what you want to do and where to go. The city is quiet and serene, filled with beauty of nature and silence. The moment we got there, I started choking. It became difficult to breathe. I wanted to get out of there right away but it was midnight, so I spent the night. In the morning, I got up and left for home. That’s when the depression started.
I’m going to write about it here because I want my readers to know how it is, what it is like, how difficult this struggle is, and also because I need to rant and to let it out. I need to say things that I can’t say in real life.
So, contrary to the popular belief, there isn’t always something that triggers it. Sometimes it just happens.
When I went home, I felt fine, just a little tired. I spent the entire day in bed, sleeping or watching TV, and only got out to get something to eat or to use the restroom. I’m not a TV person. But I felt so tired, so drained of energy, that I found myself in bed for the next 4-5 days, until my family got back.
I wasn’t really sure if it was depression. Usually depression brings nightmares, negative thoughts, hopelessness, and sadness. This time, though, I just felt tired and weak. I started skipping the gym because I had no strength left. I thought maybe it was weakness and starting taking multi-vitamins. No results.
Then I started feeling something different. When I walked, it was like my body was too big for me. I started feeling small in my own skin. I don’t believe in souls but it felt like my soul and body were of different sizes. When I walked, the movements felt a bit awkward. And then, for no apparent reason, I wanted to die. I wasn’t suicidal, but I felt too tired to live. When the battery is only 5% left, you know your phone won’t make it to the next day, and that’s how I felt. How do I charge myself? I don’t know. A few days later, I got in touch with my psychiatrist and he said that I was depressed, and showed symptoms of de-realisation and de-personalisation. What are they? I told him that nothing had happened, no triggers, then why? He said it just happens without a trigger sometimes.
I couldn’t work. I just sat on the sofa all day staring at the computer screen, trying to work, but couldn’t write a single word. I could take meds, like the doctor said, except I didn’t have the strength. My university was going to start in a few days and I had to move to another city, and I thought I’d be fine once I get there. The change would do me good. Except that it didn’t.
I couldn’t talk about it at home because even though I’m the one who suffers, I also have to put up with people who tell me that they worry about me, are sad because I’m depressed, and want me to get better soon. Yes, normally it is good to know that people care. But when you’re depressed, it becomes hard to put up with that. Man, I can’t control it. I can’t just get better. I’m the one who is suffering and I don’t want to know how worried or sad you are. It adds to my burden. So, instead, I just say that I’m fine, only tired. I don’t want your concern and sympathy, thank you. Depression makes me bitter, and the sweetness and sympathy only irritates me.
They tell you that being around others helps. I think it only makes it worse. When I’m depressed, I’m mostly zoned out. I can’t keep up with conversations. It takes too much energy to force yourself to listen to what others have to say, to nod, to agree, to feign interest, to ask questions, and to make sure that they don’t get offended. The thing is that when a person has depression, they have a small reserve of energy, and instead of wasting it on small talk, they prefer to save it for a time when it might be needed. Carrying a normal conversation leaves us exhausted and we need rest after that; it’s not sleep or anything. We need some time alone. I need a lot of time alone. I prefer getting in bed and staring into nothing, or just lying down with my eyes closed. It doesn’t give me more energy but it takes away some exhaustion.
And that’s all for now.