Day 2 – Sleepless Nights
I have university three days a week: lab on the first day, and lectures on the others. I skip the lab. I believe my university is sub-standard. Scratch that. I go to a sub-standard university. The lab has more students than the computers, tables, and chairs needed. It is a good thing that some students regularly skip the lab, still, less chairs and more students. I tried attending the lab in the beginning, twice. I couldn’t. The lab instructor teachers with as much enthusiasm as I have when I have to get out of bed early. The three hours I have to sit there for are an absolute torture. The teacher reads from the manual that all the students already have, then goes back to his table and chats with his colleagues. He reappears when the lab is about to end, but doesn’t really make sure that anyone learned anything. Everyone spends time talking, chatting, whatever. Since I don’t get along with anyone, I just sit. I’m not into messaging so my iPhone is of no use either. I still keep it in my hand to check the time twice a minute. There aren’t any games in it that I can play. There’s some music, but I have no interest in music anymore.
I used to love music. I believed it was the food for my soul. I needed music. I had everything, I think, probably the biggest collection. If I liked a song, I downloaded every album by the artist. Whatever mood I was in, I had something for it. Music helped me fall asleep on sleepless nights. But it all changed 22 months ago, like someone flipped the switch. Music became noise. I removed all the music from my phone; it was clutter. Now, on the sleepless nights, it’s just me and my thoughts.
Last night was a sleepless night, just like the night before it. The night before, I slept around 4 in the morning and woke up around 12. I wanted to sleep but I forced myself to stay up, because I wanted to sleep on time last night; I had to wake up at 7 in the morning so I could go to uni. I took a lexotanil around 11:30 and went to bed at 1.
Lexotanil helps me stay asleep and keeps the nightmares away. I don’t take it regularly because I don’t want to develop a tolerance for it. When you develop a tolerance for it, you need it but it doesn’t do anything. It’s my saviour. Although it did nothing last night.
I just couldn’t fall asleep. There were a million thoughts and voices in my mind. Cigarettes help me with that. When I smoke, I get a little ‘high,’ a headache of sorts. The headache takes over the thoughts and helps me fall asleep. I think I smoked 5-6 cigs and I just didn’t get the headache. So, at 4 in the morning, I decided to get out of bed. I’d stay up, go to university, and sleep when I come home.
By 6:30 in the morning, I was super fatigued and exhausted. I decided to close my eyes for 30 minutes. I had 8 alarms in place and missed them all. I woke up at 9:20. The lecture would be over before I’d get to the university. Missing a lecture is not that big of a deal. I’ve only missed 2 so far, including this one. The thing is that I have only 2 lectures a week, so even if I miss one, I feel off. I keep beating myself up about it. It just doesn’t feel right, even though I hate going to university. Wednesday was a holiday so I only had one lecture to attend this week. And I missed it. I keep trying not to think about it, but, damn it, I can’t stop. It’s just not in my control.
I wasn’t able to work today either. I spent the entire day in bed. I am always tired, so tired. But I can’t tell anyone that I’m tired, because they’re gonna say the same thing: Tired because you’ve been in bed all day? Yeah, why are you tired, what did you do? Nothing! It’s nigh impossible to make them understand, so I don’t even try. How can you make someone who doesn’t have depression understand that depression makes you tired? I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m fatigued. And I can’t sleep. When I do sleep, it is full of nightmares. I don’t mind the nightmares. I’m used to them. They wear off in minutes. But when you have nightmares, you don’t actually get any proper sleep. You don’t wake up relaxed. It’s like you never slept.
Since I’m way over my 500 words, I can stop wherever I want. And I’ll stop here. Oh, the power I have. I’m in control! Wait, that was sarcasm.
With great power comes great responsibility, along with an opportunity to exploit it. I’ll exploit my power. I’ll write on!
I decided to add an image to this post and found the perfect one. The photo you see above, I took it. I love it! It’s of a room I’d be happy to spend the rest of my life in. I’d draw the curtains, turn off the lights, and enjoy knowing how beautiful it is outside. During the cold winter afternoons, I would keep the curtains drawn and the lights off. I would lie curled up in a comforter, surrounded by cushions and pillows, in the cozy bed, and watch the light bleed in. I’d watch the day transition into the night from the intensity and brightness of the light that pours in. Until the light dies and my thoughts take over. Come to think of it, I’d never be comfortable there. I’d never be able to live there and enjoy the serenity. At one point or another, the paranoia will set in. I’ll want security and safety. Security and safety will ruin the beauty and the tranquility. Some dreams will remain dreams, but I’d happily dream this dream, over and over.