Day 5 – Zoloft!
I gave much thought to what I should write about today. I wanted to write something deep and profound, but I’m pretty blank right now. So, here’s what happened:
I slept early in the morning, around 7. I don’t remember when I woke up, but it was sometime in the afternoon. As usual, I woke up tired and achy. The first thing I go for after waking up is a cigarette, but I ran out of them last night, so I spent an extra hour in bed. Mourning. (Not really, I was just tired.) Then I mustered up some strength, pushed my self (groaning) out of the bed, and had breakfast. Weetabix! It’s hard for me to make small decisions, so I spent some time thinking whether I should have a glass of warm milk or Weetabix. Settled on Weetabix, obviously. Then I had to decide whether I wanted one biscuit or two. Two. Then I had to choose between nuts, fruits, and honey. That’s a lie. There were no nuts, I forgot about the fruits, so I just had to decide whether or not to add honey. I do love Weetabix without honey, but all the calories and energy and stuff you get with honey won in the end. I had good breakfast! Then I called my best friend because I’d missed her calls earlier.
We talked about our lives and stuff, and she told me that I should start some treatment for my depression. I’ve been told that before by other people, but when she says something, it matters. She knows me really well and understands. Anyway, I decided to give it a go. Sometimes all you need is a little push. This was my push, and only she could push me. So, I called up my psychiatrist, and he told me I should start Zoloft. He told me the same thing in August but I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready three days ago when he told me the same thing. I’m not ready now either. I don’t know what it is that is stopping me, but it just doesn’t feel right. I pushed through and made progress though. I bought the meds. I don’t know when I’ll start taking them. I try but I can’t bring myself to it. I don’t have any explanation for it. I thought about it and found a reason, to satisfy myself at least. Insomnia is one of the side-effects listed and I don’t want that. It’s super-difficult to fall asleep, it is impossible to not wake up twice an hour, and I don’t want anything making it worse. I just can’t take the risk.
But I also know that I have to. I know that I need to. Because I deserve a normal life. I’m not a hero or a warrior. I’m a stubborn, insubordinate, asshole! And I’ll be damned if I let depression win. Now I’m just gonna prepare myself mentally and physically for this and then kick depression’s ass! I know, I know, what’s with the mental and physical preparation; it’s depression, not cancer. It’s a med, not chemotherapy. But when your will is lost and you don’t have the energy, which happens during depression, then you need to prepare. I’ve constantly battled depression during the last 9 years and now I’m exhausted. All I need is a minute to catch my breath…