Day 7 – There and Back Again
Today was an awful day. For me, an awful day is a day in which things do not go as planned. It causes me great mental distress. Today I was mad enough that I’d decided I was gonna commit suicide. I didn’t, though. Yay?
Here’s what happened:
I’d been up since yesterday, couldn’t sleep all night. Had to go to university in the morning. By the time I got ready to leave, it was raining. I decided not to go, but we are having finals this week. I had an exam on Thursday, and I wasn’t sure when the lab exam was going to be. I texted the Class Representative to ask whether they were going to conduct the lab sessional today or next week. He sent back a hurried reply: Exam in room#203, come quick! Apparently the Thursday exam had been rescheduled and I wasn’t informed. He turned his phone off after that. I rushed to the university, mad that no one had informed me, and knew I was going to miss the exam. Not my fault. When they make changes like these, they are supposed to inform everyone, and I’d already given them my number. I left within 2 minutes. The cabs charge more on rainy days so I had to pay an exorbitant amount because I didn’t have the time to argue. The cab drops me half-way and from there onwards I’ve got to take a bus. The bus takes anywhere from 5-15 minutes to arrive, and is the fastest. There was no bus in sight, and I had to get in a van. The van guys are assholes and the van doesn’t move until it is full. More than full, actually: we travel over-capacity in Pakistan. Anyway, I sat brooding in the van, but then the bus I removed and I left the van.
There is a saying, I don’t remember exactly what it is, but it goes something like ‘anything that can go wrong, does go wrong.’ In an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, they said it was called a ‘Perfect Storm.’ Today was turning out to be my perfect storm.
Remember I said the bus is the fastest? Well, today it wasn’t. There’s a train track on the way. In the 4 years I’ve been travelling to my uni, I’ve seen the train 5 times only. But, today, it came up! I love watching trains, trust me, I really do. Just not today. God! A train had to block our way today. No, wait, it did more than that. It didn’t just pass. It stopped before passing. The gates closed and the train stopped, sneering at me, working me up into a rage. Then the fucking never-ending train moved.
Another thing about the bus: you have to get on it really fast. The bus stops for less than 30 seconds and everyone has to get on and off it in those 30 seconds. Most of the time they don’t even stop the bus. They just slow it down so you can get on or off it. I like it. It’s fast. However, today, an insanely large family got on the bus. The bus stopped for another 5 minutes so they could get on, settle, and get their luggage in place. Awesome. Fucking Brilliant!
I have a suicide pact with my best friend. The deal is, whenever we seriously think about committing suicide, we’ve got to call the other. We both know what this means: we’ll either talk the other out of it or go with them. That was the original plan. Now we’ve grown, so the latter is not really an option. I mean, I wouldn’t want my friend to do it for me. Screw it!
I kept telling myself I don’t care. I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, but DAMN IT! I’m in a fucking shithole here! It doesn’t matter whether I care or not. The shit clings to me anyway. Tell you what, ENOUGH! I’ve had it! I was gonna call my friend as soon as I got home and I was gonna do it. Depression makes my life suck as it is, I don’t need more shit. Why, when I do everything right, does shit happen to me? Why the fuck on earth was I not informed? Why did I have to rush to the university? I was gonna commit suicide today. I was gonna hang myself or slit my wrists. I was done!
Except, 5 minutes before I reached the university, I got another text from that guy: “Sorry, it was the EMT exam.” EMT is not my subject. Can you imagine the distress you caused me? Do you know your stupidity almost threw me over the edge? Then I started laughing. I’m going fucking crazy. Did I overreact? Maybe. Happens when you have depression.
So, yeah, that’s what happened today. Today was not my day. Today was an awful day.