Day 8 – You’re Not You!
In August, my cousin nominated me for the Ice Bucket Challenge. I had 24 hours to do it, so I did. In those 24 hours, I also took a few minutes to learn about ALS. I learned that it was a degenerative disease and that it was also called Lou Gehrig’s disease. That’s it, that’s all I learned, then I took the Ice Bucket challenge, posted the video along with the links for donation and information about ALS. Then I forgot about it. I did not take the challenge because it was trending; I don’t like making videos of myself. I did it because I have a mental disease that millions of people suffer from, and billions are still ignorant about it or unable to understand. And this was another disease that the world needs to know about, to help, and to understand.
Today, I was browsing movies and found ‘You’re Not You.’ The description caught my attention. It was about a pianist who gets ALS. I decided to watch it. I did. I learned a lot about ALS and saw how it affects people. The movie is heartbreaking and depressing from beginning to end. It could have had a happy ending but that’s just not how the world works. The movie would have been a lie if it had a happy ending.
Today, I realised (not for the first time) how much the world sucks. Why does it have to be this way? What if I get ALS tomorrow? I wouldn’t even be able to commit suicide then.
The second thing I want to write about is sleep. I can’t sleep. In the last 50 hours, I’ve had 8-9 hours of sleep. Sleeping is difficult for me. I wake up like twice an hour. I thought it was awful, but now I can’t really sleep at all. I find myself in a stupor of sorts. Sometimes I want to do something, I want to work, I want my energy, but I just don’t have it. It feel weird and the world around me is a blur.
I’m not afraid of anything except people. I ruled out the existence of demons and ghosts long ago, and since then I haven’t allowed myself to be afraid of them. I’m not afraid of the dark either. I get nightmares but I’m okay with them. I wake up scared but it goes away within minutes. But the problem now is that the nightmares are not letting me sleep. I tried sleeping today, but literally woke up every 3 minutes. Then, I don’t know how, I got 2 hours of sleep. It wasn’t without nightmares either. I wouldn’t really call it sleep. I was awake the whole time, only frozen. In the end, I decided it just wasn’t worth it. I’ve been taking energy drinks and Panadol Extra since the past week. While I’m not able to sleep, I’m not very active either. That’s the thing, you can’t sleep but you can’t stay awake properly, so I need the extra energy.
Okay, that’s it.