Day 9 – Why I’m Avoiding Anti-Depressants
I have depression and it is severe, I know that. It makes it hard for me to work and do the routine things, so I need to get rid of it. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to let go of it, though. I don’t know why but I’ve had depression for so long that I’m not sure I want to part ways with it. I feel like if it goes away, I’ll be empty. I feel that my creativity stems from my depression, and if depression goes away, I won’t be creative anymore; I won’t be able to write. I think that when I’m depressed, I can write better. I can’t write with a clear mind. When I have a clear mind, I have to keep smoking until I reach a certain level of mental haze. A slight headache that enables me to focus. I can’t write when I’m super depressed either, so what I’d like is to be moderately depressed. A stage where I can write and do the everyday tasks easily as well, but I don’t think that is possible, so I want to hold on to my depression for as long as I can.
There are times when it gets so bad that I want it to go away immediately. Panic attacks suck big time! But once they are over and I’m okay, I don’t want them to go away completely. Sometimes I anticipate them, but when they strike I curse myself for wanting them. It’s a love-hate relationship, a distorted thinking, a confused state. But it is also what sets me apart from everyone around me. It justifies, in a way, that I’m different. There are times when I want to be normal, like everyone else, but mostly I do not.
There are so many things that set me apart from the people around me, like not having faith and being open about it. I can’t be completely open about it, of course, because there are extremists and psychos working on the orders of the illiterate and ill-informed clerics, on the hunt for the heathens, ready to kill them. It is suffocating, too, like being in a cage. I can’t openly express my annoyance at the holy things and at their stupidity and ludicrousness. The other day I found a post about holy water, and how some holy guy said he drank only that for 40 days and ended up with layers of fat in his stomach, proving the point that this water is very healthy. I just roll my eyes in my mind. What can I say? If this water was so healthy, wouldn’t the entire world be after it? Come to think of it, a water that makes you fat in just 40 days is not healthy at all, is it now? But who can argue with the holy, after all, religion is something that justifies all the wrongdoings in the name of god. The other things that justify such wrongdoings probably come under “Extreme Mental Illnesses.”