Day 11 – Changes?

I’m pretty indecisive. I used to be really strong-willed, knew what I wanted, and went for it. Now I’m a confused mess. The other day I decided to trim my beard, because I haven’t trimmed it in weeks. It looked bad, I think. I had been thinking about trimming it for over a week. When I trimmed it, I looked better, of course. But I just kept going back to look at myself. Why did I trim it? I shouldn’t have trimmed it. Now its bothering me again because I can’t accept this change. I want my scruffy beard back!

I don’t take care of myself anymore, not like I used to. I used to use some expensive shampoo, conditioner, hair butter, hair cream, hair oils, serums, etc. And that was just for the hair. I wouldn’t use anything else so I had to take that stuff with me. But then it stopped mattering, and I am okay with it. I use whatever shampoo is available, and ignore everything else, except for a facewash. Anyway, I found that I was out of shampoo, so I bought another one. I don’t care because I always have some matte in my hair so my hair is always rough. Normally I just shower, use shampoo, use matte, and blow-dry my hair. That’s the routine. So my uncle had to go somewhere and he took the shampoo and the hair-dryer. I was like yeah, okay, whatever. But it just unsettled me. I think that was because it changed how I had to do things. I had to use another shampoo and couldn’t dry my hair. It unsettled me so much that I went to the mart to buy myself another shampoo even though I knew they were out of stock, but I just had to try. I don’t know why. I think it is because changes are too much for me, no matter how minor they maybe. Today, my uncle returned and I feel peaceful inside, because a shampoo I don’t care about is back. I still look at myself and curse for trimming my beard.

How do you decide? Why is it so hard to stick to your own decisions? Why did I trim it? There’s a lack of will. A lack of will to look better, to dress better, and to try. I wasn’t always like this, I used to do so much for myself, but now that I look back, I think I’m glad that phase is over. I have an event to go to, the whole family will be there, and if I didn’t trim my beard everyone would’ve asked me a million questions. To avoid that, I trimmed it. That’s how I am justifying it to myself. It makes me feel better momentarily.

Changes just suck! I hate changes of all sorts. I want to stick to a routine and I want things to go as planned. I go crazy when things don’t go as planned. What the hell, lol!