Day 19 – Flu Sucks!
The last couple of days were pretty busy and hectic for me. I didn’t get any time for myself. There was no time to sit back, relax, or think, and there was no depression either. It all ended today though. I am not a positive person and I don’t try to be one either. What I do is that I constantly remind myself that I’m a negative thinker and a pessimist, and that I perceive things much worse than they really are. It is what allows me to laugh or shrug off things that would otherwise annoy me and cause distress.
Today, I sat sulking and hating everyone around me. I didn’t know why but everything and everyone was annoying me. I know I have mood swings but I’m tired of explaining them to others. Every little thing annoyed me today, every little word that anyone spoke annoyed me. I felt worthless and scorned and it was annoying. I thought about dying, about how stupid and unworthy my life is, yada yada. But then I stopped mulling over all this stuff and started wondering why I’m getting annoyed at everything all of a sudden. The answer came to me quickly: it’s depression, of course.
It’s been almost a week since I’ve had the flu. The first med I tried for flu was tiring but had no results, so I started taking anti-biotics. It’s working but it’s also annoying. I’m not sure whether to blame depression, flu, or the anti-biotics. All of them, perhaps. I’m tired all the time, my throat is sore, and I can’t stop coughing. *cough* It absolutely sucks! I can’t eat because I’m not getting hungry but I need to eat or the anti-biotics churn my stomach and make me nauseous. I was going to start taking Zoloft. After spending a lot of time thinking and considering whether or not to take it, I ruled in the favour of it. I’d like to have energy and stop being so tired all the time. But flu came along before I could start, and I’m thinking of taking a break from meds before flu is gone. I feel like my entire system is messed up from the inside, so I definitely need a break. And I get an itchy rash daily, side-effect of the anti-biotics; even more annoying.
In the last week, since the flu, it has been becoming harder and harder for me to write these posts. Before I start writing, I spend a few minutes thinking about skipping them. After all, missing one day won’t really hurt, but that’s not how I do things. I’m not sure whether to compliment myself on forcing 500 words out or not, because while it might look like I’m someone who gets things done, does what he sets out to do, etc., that’s not really the case. I do it because that’s what the rules said, and I ignore the rule which says we don’t have to write daily or it is okay to miss a day or something like that. And now my stomach is churning again, so I’m off.