Day 24 – Perpetual Disappointment!
I thought I would write daily, and I did write daily, for over three weeks. I was more than halfway there and I would probably have finished this challenge by now, but I didn’t. Did something important keep me from writing? No. When I wanted to write, I wrote, even when I was sick. But then I got tired of ranting and writing just for the sake of writing. I know, this challenge is supposed to help you develop a writing habit, and that’s what I focussed on initially, but then I got tired. I felt that my writing was degrading to writing, so I stopped. Am I back? Will I start writing daily from now on, again? I don’t know.
I know I want a lot in life. Simply put, I want everything.
If I have to walk, I’ll want a bike.
If I get a bike, I’ll want a car.
If I get a car, I’ll want a better car.
If I get a better car, I’ll want a house.
If I get a house, I’ll want a bigger house.
If I get a bigger house, I’ll want a house that is more beautiful.
If I get that, I’ll want a plane.
The list will never end. Even if I get everything in the world, which is impossible, but just for the hell of it, that won’t be enough. I’ll want to change myself, want a surgery, perhaps? If I get that, I probably won’t be happy with the results. If I get the surgery undone, I won’t be satisfied because I’ll know I don’t look like I used to look, even if I do. If everything becomes ideal, if everything gets perfect, I’ll want to live forever, witness history, see the future, live till the end of the world. And even if I get that, I still won’t he happy. I’ll want to go back in time, to fix my own history, to live a better life, to be more normal. Maybe that will change things for me? But if it gets to that point, I don’t think it will change anything for me because then I’d want to get back in time, to the very beginning, perhaps? See the world as it is made, watch civilisations rise and fall, and all that shit. Would I be okay with that? I don’t think so. It would be too time consuming. I’d want a remote then, to fast-forward it all, skim through, skip months, blah! I don’t really know what I really want, but here’s what I know.
I know that I have set myself up for perpetual disappointment. I’ll never be happy. I don’t know how to appreciate the good things. I don’t know how to be grateful. Maybe I’m just programmed that way, if human beings are programmed. People take pity on the retards but now I’m beginning to think that maybe they are the luckiest of all. Don’t they have it the easiest? I know I’m being insensitive, but can’t I just poke fun at others for once? Call them looneys, laugh at them, feel good about being better? Why does feeling good about being better make you a bad person? Irony, irony, fucking irony everywhere.