Day 25 – Nightmares, False Memories, and Craziness
I have been very, very busy. I kept myself busy with work. Since I’m a freelancer, it is entirely up to me how much work I take. I used to take a fortnight to complete what I could do in a few hours, because I do not believe in rushing. Also, I just liked having free time. I still do, and would love to be able to sleep or lie in bed all day on these winter mornings, noons, and nights, but I can’t. My episode of depression suddenly ended after 2.5 months of severe depression.I had 3 good weeks, I think, and then I felt it coming back. I still feel it the moment I get time to relax. Work is the only thing that keeps it away. I signed up for so much work that I do not get time to write, read, or even talk to people. I’m walking and I can’t stop. It’s working for me.
Last week I felt myself getting depressed on 3 different days. That’s how it starts, these small bouts of depression. They don’t feel like depression. They are confusing. Something feels wrong that I can’t quite grasp. I keep reassuring myself that I do not care or it doesn’t matter, I justify, but it just doesn’t work. For instance, last weekend we went to the movies. I normally don’t go for movies but I had to see Mockingjay.It was disappointing. The book was better, and so were the previous two adaptations. Anyway, while taking money out of the ATM, my cousin pressed the button in his excitement. He didn’t mean to. I like him, he’s a good kid and he loves me, but his mistake pissed me off. He didn’t do it intentionally, but he pressed the button for the smallest amount. I withdraw the largest amount allowed so the conversion rates are minimum. When I checked, the conversion rates weren’t enough to bother me. And yet it kept bothering me all the night. I don’t get it and it sucks! Why does something that I know shouldn’t bother me, and is not a big deal in anyway, bother me?
Now, to the nightmares. I think it has been over a month now since this started. Every time I go to sleep, I get really bad nightmares. This happens every time, no exception, even if I take a 5 minute nap. Within a 5 minute nap I can get unto 3 different nightmares, all of which I can remember clearly. Last night I had about 5 nightmares. I woke up with a start, breathing heavily with a pounding heart. The first thing I did was check how long I slept. It was less than 30 minutes.
When I wake up I’m not afraid. Slightly disturbed, but not afraid at all. I know they were just bad dreams so they don’t bother me, but the problem is that my sleep quality has went down. It wasn’t very good to begin with but now it’s awful. I wake up tired and sleep deprived, and get a headache before I open my eyes. The headache doesn’t go away at all. I find myself so tired that the only option is resting by going to sleep, and that sucks, because going to sleep is what causes the headache to start. My brain just can’t rest.
About the kid I mentioned above, he’s about 10 years younger than me. There are things about family I know that he doesn’t. Funny things, amusing things, etc. Every now and then something comes to my mind and I tell him. Sometimes he doesn’t believe me and goes to the elders to ask. Last weekend I suddenly recalled something that more than two members of the family had told me, and two of them were present there. The kid found it so ridiculous that he went to ask them. They said they never said any such thing. I am 100% positive that both of them had told me that thing separately and at different occasions, but they told me they were 100% positive that they had never ever said anything remotely close to it. I have the memories, but I don’t doubt their memories either. I called my sister, she had heard those things too, but she said she never heard any such thing, so now the only possible explanation is that those memories I have about the thing are false. False memories. I’m convinced they’re not false, but the people involved, more than two, have good memories too and I know that. Such a dilemma. I wonder if I’m slowly going crazy or losing it. The thought is terrifying. I’ve often said, and heard people say, to others, “Are you crazy?” It never felt so terrifying as it does now. Are you crazy? If someone said that to me last month, I would’ve replied quickly: “No, you’re crazy.” If someone says that to me now, I’ll just wonder: ‘Am I crazy?’