Day 27 – SONY (Same Old New Year) & The Depression Dilemma
This is my first post for 2015, the new year. I would’ve liked to start writing from the start and follow till the end of the year, but that’s not how life works. There have been times when my creativity was high and I had an urge to write, the ideas flowing freely, waiting to be written, recorded, saved from being wasted and forgotten. They have been forgotten. The urge to write was not strong enough to overcome the tiredness and laziness.
It’s been a little over a month since I started Zoloft. Previously it was the depression that kept me from writing, and then it was the Zoloft. It’s funny how the ailment and cure have had the same effect on me. For about a month I kept telling myself that I’ll write tomorrow, till I realised that tomorrow wasn’t gonna come, so I started telling myself I’ll write today. I told myself that first thing in the morning. I’ll write soon, I just need some rest first. I need rest after waking up, I need rest after breakfast, I need a rest after resting, and the list goes on. I used to be active, so I know it is Zoloft. Hopefully things will change from today, because I know that the tiredness is not going to go away. My joints ache almost constantly (another side effect of Zoloft), and I haven’t used my laptop in months. I used to use my laptop everyday for hours on end, and now the mere thought of using it vexes me. But, of course, I’m broke now from not having worked, and while I can still go on and continue to use from my savings, I need a change. I need to feel powerful and in control again.
The depression is gone but the suicidal thoughts persist. I’ve been told that I need to be on Zoloft for 9 months, and it already feels like I’ve been on it for at least 3 months, but today I checked the date and realised that it’s only been 5-6 weeks. I’m ready to give up. I need to feel like myself again. I’m terribly calm now and I have no feelings or emotions left to suppress. I don’t mind that either, but I need to feel like myself again.
Crazy as it may sound, I want my depression back. I’ve spent more than half my life with depression, and it is an essential part of me. I don’t like the new, calm, me. I feel blank, like a whiteboard. I remember having a fire in me, and now that fire has turned to ashes. I miss the spark in me, the rush of thoughts that drove me insane, the me in myself. Previously I complained about not looking like myself (depersonalisation/derealisation), but now I don’t feel like myself. I’d go back to not looking like myself because I don’t have to look at myself all day, but I do need to feel like myself in my own skin.
This is, indeed, a dilemma. It is all far too complicated for me to explain, or understand myself. I want to get better but I want to remain me at the same time. Is that too much to ask for?