Day 28 – Depression: The Choice We Have to Make
There comes a time in the lives of people suffering from depression when they must make a choice. For the ones who are not getting any treatment, it is the point when depression gets so overwhelming that they want nothing more than to be rid of it. They want to get better, even if depression has become a huge part of who they are. It is then that they decide to go on meds so that they can get better. I know because I’ve made that choice many times.
In the beginning, it is all good. You’re all upbeat, ready to fight and get better. The side-effects are strong in the beginning but you put up with them. You know they will go away in a few weeks, and you notice how their intensity decreases everyday. You begin to feel better, hallelujah! But after a month or so, you notice other side-effects of the meds. For some people these happen to be things they can put up with. For others, like me, they are things we can’t put up with. Then these new side-effects begin to get stronger day by day, as is the case with me now. And then we reach a point where we can’t put up with them at all. These side-effects continuously pester us, cause us pain, and we wonder, wasn’t there a similar reason for why we started these meds? We started the meds to get better, to get rid of the constant depression, to feel more like ourselves, and we wonder if this is any better than it was before we started on these meds. Because while the depression is gone, we still don’t feel like ourselves, our personality is suppressed, emotions gone, constant side-effects, and a similar misery. Why are we taking these meds then, and why should we stay on them? Why am I taking these meds?
And that’s the other time when we have to make a choice. To stay on the meds or to quit! Because we get exhausted. As for myself, I’m annoyed, angry, frustrated, and really want to PUNCH SOMEONE IN THEIR FUCKING FACE!!! I must make a choice! I’d very much like to quit these fucking meds and go back to depression. It’s either the physical pain or the mental one. I guess our only option is to keep switching between them, so one when gets too much we go for the other.
But why do we have to make this choice? I know that the world is not perfect, but I don’t want to have to make these choices over and over again. I want to get better but I can’t put up with this.
My energy has dropped to like 5%, which is pretty much the same as it was when I was depressed. Or, maybe, it is worse now. I was more active when depressed, in spite of wanting to stay curled up in bed all the time. Now I try to work, want to work or do something, but I simply do not have the energy.
We get told to ‘try’ or ‘push ourselves’ or ‘motivate ourselves.’ Please tell me where the fucking motivation shop is so I can buy some! Because heavens know I’ve been trying. I’ve been trying for over a month now and I don’t have the energy. No wonder we develop mood swings and get frustrated and angry. What a fucking dilemma! Don’t take meds, suffer! Take meds, suffer! If I have to fucking suffer either way, what do I do?