Existence is Meaningless
What’s wrong with me? I don’t know.
Is it the depression, the anxiety, the fucked-up things that happened? I’m not sure. I wouldn’t blame them. My problem lies beyond the roots, before them themselves.
Let me attempt to explain, drawing from a conversation I had.
Excerpts from The Fault in Our Stars
He said: “I regret that I cannot indulge your childish whims, but I refuse to pity you in the manner to which you are well accustomed.”
“I don’t want your pity.”
“Like all sick children, you say you don’t want pity, but your very existence depends upon it.” – “Sick children inevitably become arrested: You are fated to live out your days as the child you were when diagnosed, the child who believes there is life after a novel ends. And we, as adults, we pity this, so we pay for your treatments, for your oxygen machines. We give you food and water though you are unlikely to live long enough—”
That was just context. Here’s the main part:
“You are a side effect, of an evolutionary process that cares little for individual lives. You are a failed experiment in mutation.”
Now, see, the thing is, even when you’re not a side-effect in the context that he means, like you don’t have cancer. But if you think about it, you really are a side-effect. Not in a negative way. Just like rabbits having kids, or grass spreading.
Assign whatever value you want to it, make priorities, believe in god(s), get a lavish house, get famous, research, yada yada…The real thing is the evolutionary process. Evolution. Not me, not you, not us.
Even if I make it to the history books as the greatest man ever alive, none of it matters.
It’s hard to explain my point.
Think of it as rabbits or grass. They can multiply, make homes and all, and in the end it isn’t worth shit.
You: Quick question, do you want to matter?
Me: I don’t know or care. I’m just a side-effect that can think. I’m not depressed btw. It’s just I question existence.
You: It is good to question, as long as you don’t fixate on finding answers. As long as you’re learning it is fine, because in universe there are no right or wrong answers.
Me: My point is, suppose the rabbits or the donkeys, the mangoes or the grass get brains too. They make houses and get PhDs and make millions and all, what does it matter? I mean who really gives a shit because it’s already happening. Apes are beginning to hunt with spears, fish have learned to walk out of the water to eat birds, birds make beautiful nests, honeybees make honey; these are accomplishments. But who gives a rats ass about it all?
Someone once said the same thing to me. He said it is good to question, but if you get stuck on how you came into this world, you’ll go crazy. He said it disparagingly. Anyway, whatever.
You: What I get is that you are worried that you don’t matter. I was worried about it too. Remember when I wanted to have kids to leave someone behind to remember me?
Me: I am not worried about it. I know I’m brilliant so it doesn’t matter to me. The only thing that bothers me is living.
Think of it as Diana’s children. They are born princes, they know it, so they don’t have to prove shit to anyone. They don’t have to do those princey things to prove they are princes or be more princey. They are princes, they know it, and that’s that.
Now, look at you, living like you might die any second. And then there’s me, smoking shitlessly, not giving a rat’s ass, yet alive, day after day. This long journey, going on living, that’s what I don’t want. Take The Alchemist here, it’s not the destination, it’s the journey. You have to walk on burning coals. You know you will get to the end this way or that. The journey matters here. Why walk on the burning coal when you have to die in the end. Why walk at all? Suppose you don’t want to walk at all. There’s that option that brings the destination to right where you are, but that’s not okay.
Yet, according to the universal laws and rules of the world, it is not okay to kill yourself because you don’t want to live. You have to adapt your thinking to what this world deems appropriate. You have to change. That’s why I feel like an alien, an exotic plant in here, in an environment that is hostile to me. I can’t change or evolve fast enough to adapt to it. I’m doomed. I was doomed from the beginning.
You wonder whether you’re still hung-up on the one who wronged you, after all this time.
Me: What I think is, you’re not hung-up on him, but since you have been wronged by him, there is this thing that you want. Not from him but in general. A compensation, not monetary. You forgive and all but it is sort of embedded in us from childhood. All those fairytales. Cinderella gets the prince, Snowhite gets the prince, Beauty gets a prince, etc.
I mean you don’t give a shit about him to be honest, which is good. It has nothing to do with him really. It’s just the want for justice. Religion puts that in us too. God will avenge you and all. And your faith is partly to blame there, because as long as you believe in a god, you believe that you will be compensated. That he will be punished or he will ask for forgiveness. If not in the world then in the end. You hang on to it, that he will realize his mistakes. It’s all religion and those fairytales.
Where are the real tales? Life is like Game of Thrones.
You believe in god, but there is no god or any controller.
Why is Game of Thrones so popular?
It is popular because it is real. It shows the world as it is. We are too used to justice and crap. Why do people love GoT so much?
People love it, mostly because without realizing they love how real it is. The good people aren’t safe, the heroes aren’t safe, they can be killed anytime, like real life. People think justice will be served, a saviour will come save our hero; that’s how it is, our minds are trained that way, and while we anticipate, we know he will saved. Except it doesn’t happen. That’s life.
Once you give up on those wants you have in the subconsious mind, things you dont even realize you want or desire, then you realize how pointless life really is. But i hope you never get there.
You: But I believe in karma. I do believe things happen to compensate or punish for the wrongs that have been done to you.
Me: That’s where you are wrong, but that’s only according to what I believe in.
It’s like two different movies in two different languages. Two people, they understand one language each, hence only one movie makes sense to them. They can’t perceive the other one. To them, the other doesn’t make sense. That’s where we are, you and I; only one of us is right.
To think normally, to fit in, you carefully create a bubble around yourself. No matter how concrete you think it is, no matter how strong your faith is, or beliefs are, it remains a bubble. You carefully draw a boundary around yourself and you make it a rule to never step out of it, and you never do, and your world ends at that boundary and you limit yourself to such an extent that even the thought of what’s outside never crosses your mind. But, remember, it is you who does that. In your heart, maybe in the subconscious mind, you do know without realizing what the truth is. But the truth, you know, again without realizing, is going to hit you like a 15.0 magnitude earthquake. It will rock your world, challenge everything, destroy you quite possibly, so you never think about it. But no matter what you do, the truth, the tattered truth, remains the same. You carefully craft the world around you, adapt to it and all, give in and accept things as they are.
I can’t. I wish I could but I can’t. There’s no going back from here. One may forget, though.