The Tugs And Pushes
How do I explain this? Nothing is wrong, not really. All hope is gone; not lost, gone. With resignation, without expectation and hope comes a reluctant acceptance. There’s no disappointment anymore because there’s nothing to be disappointed about. You don’t hope or expect anymore.
So how do I explain it? You are a logical person, you want to know the reason, and I have none. I can’t explain it. But it sucks, this literal feeling.
You are fine. You are completely okay. Then suddenly you are aware that your heart is beating, and it’s not a pleasant feeling. You need to suck in air loudly every few minutes. Your chest is getting tighter. Who knew a beating heart could suck this much? You try to distract yourself, but you are imploding. You can’t focus anywhere outside of yourself when your heart is constantly making you feel itself beating. You start collapsing internally, the outside world out of focus, zooming in into yourself.
“What? Sorry, I wasn’t listening. Say it again.”
I hear you now. I heard what you said. I remember every word you said, but I just can’t make a sense of it. Was that a question? Do you want me to say something?
Take your meds. This sucks, I hate taking my meds. I pop the pills. It will take time to kick in. Then there’s a tug at your heart. Something tugs at it constantly, continuously pulling it down. This feeling…shove needles into your heart to calm it down. Give me some horse tranquilizer. Heart, stop beating, please! I beg you.
There’s the fan. Wanna kill yourself? It will suck, I am willing, I don’t care. I want out of this. This sucks. This shit sucks.